Saying Goodbyes

02.09.05

Chinese new year is today. The year of the rooster. I'm still at Company X where in about three weeks it will all come to an end and I will start another life somewhere else. It's been about a year and a half since I started, had two birthday pass, two new years, Chinese, Jewish, and the World's new year. Life is so unpredictable and so is my fate no matter how hard I will it. How incredibly dark it looks ahead from where I sit, no break in the clouds, just darkness. Dark simply because there's no light, no hint of what will be coming ahead for me. I might be sitting around for six months doing absolutely nothing but hoping that something good may happen. Waiting is torture. It's like a girl waiting to know if she's pregnant or not, looking constantly at the test indicator for it to tell the results to her. It's not about the actual outcome that's killing her, then. Whether or not she's pregnant is just the next stage to take care of. It's about the waiting period, the constant looking at the timer, the countdown, the heart digging deep into the lower chest feeling, the empty, staunch stomach feeling. You can move forward after the results come out. You can act on it, resolve it, build on it, or do something about it, but before that piece is secured, everything is bleak and pure pain and your hands are tied till the time passes. So my time to wait is longer than the test indicator's and each day is worse than the next. I tried not to get emotionally attached to anyone at Company X. I've made acqaintiances, of whom I've maintain as co-workers, only, and never allowing them to cross over into the world I live in, but only into the world I'm pretending to live in. This way the goodbyes will be easier for me and my last steps out of the building won't be so heavy.